Here’s to satire

Some people are saying that Donald Trump is a racist and a bigot.  Very unfair.  Crooked media.  Some people are also saying that Mike Pence is a lightweight and that his being a heartbeat away from the presidency of the United States is a disaster.  You know it, we know it, we all know it. Some people are saying these things.  They should be ashamed.  Some people are saying that sometimes what they say turns out to be right.  Tremendous.

Some people—thousands of them—think Mike Pence is a ventriloquist’s dummy.  Some people think Trump is a ventriloquist.  Some people are saying that Trump’s hands are too little to operate a ventriloquist dummy’s backside.

Many people are saying Trump should show his tax returns, because many people are saying Trump paid $0 in taxes last year.  Sad!

Trump says he will lose the election if he shows his tax returns.  Some people are saying this.  Just to be clear, many people are saying this, including Donald J. Trump.

Many people are saying Donald dodged the Vietnam draft.  Donald claims he had a high lottery number.  Some people know the lottery system wasn’t in place when the time came for Donald to serve.  True that!

Donald says he never settles any lawsuit.  Many lawsuits and the record show that Donald settles:  a lot.  Tremendously sad!

Some people are saying that Trump’s grandfather was a rapist pimp.  Some people are saying that as a German immigrant, Friedrich Drumpf ran brothels for “sporting ladies”.  Some people think there is no difference between selling women for sex or raping them.  Some laws in some states agree with this.  Trump’s father’s money came from a pimp grandfather.

Some people are saying that in her divorce testimony against Donald, Yvana stated that Donald raped her because he was upset over a failed hair transplant.

Some people in Germany—the government of Germany to be exact—are saying that Friedrich Drumpf was a tax-dodger and that he left for America to avoid military service and paying taxes.  The turd never falls far from the tree.

Some people—the United States Department of Justice—are saying that Fred Trump committed fraud by taking federal funds and not renting publicly-funded housing to minorities.  Some people are also fond of saying Fred Trump was a member of the KKK.

Some people are saying that Donald would have more money in the bank if he had put his inheritance in an index fund.  Some people are saying that he’s such a bad businessman that his ventures have lost him more money than if the inheritance had been accruing interest instead.

Some people are saying that Melania Trump went to New York to work as a model.  Some people are saying that “work as a model” is a euphemism for the oldest profession.  Some are saying that Melania naked in bed with another woman makes the other woman a lesbian.  Some people are saying that two women being naked in bed and pretending to be having sex makes them both lesbians, or at least bisexual.  Most people have no problems with that, but maybe the family-values types should pay attention.  Some people are saying that if two naked women in bed are just pretending to be getting laid, but they get paid for pretending, that makes them both sporting ladies.  Some people are saying that Melania’s real or imagined bisexual relations make Donald unfit to be President of the United States.  Because, blackmail!

Some people are saying—looking at you Yvanka—that Donald is a badass vigilante type.  That he reads newspapers to find out who’s down on their luck and that he then sends his people to fetch them to Trump Tower.  Yvanka says that Donald then hires those people on the spot or gives them money.  But that because Donald is so humble, he never takes credit for doing such things.  This is what Yvanka said during the Republican Convention.  Yvanka thinks her father is the source for the David Hasselhoff character in the Knight Rider television program.  Sorry Yvanka, you’re dreaming.  Sad!

Some people are saying that Melania took down her webpage because it was filled with lies and plagiarized material.  Some people are saying Melania is a gold-digger and that she doesn’t have a college degree in architecture as her website claimed.  Some people even are saying—all the best people are saying it—that she plagiarized the title for her webpage “My World” from the companion book to the children’s bedtime story “Goodnight Moon“.

Donald encourages people at his rallies to chant vile names against Hillary Clinton.  Donald also cheers on his people when they say Clinton should be executed.  Thousands and thousands of people are saying that Donald should go to jail because he broke US law when he encouraged Russia to hack Clinton’s emails.

Donald also says that he hires only the brightest [racist] talent.  Donald hired Lewandowki (loser), Manafort (jackoff) and Bannon (turbo-charged asshole)—a liar, a tax cheat, and a wife beater.

Some people are saying that someone in the campaign should maybe have seen this thing with this www.trumpwithpence.com domain.

Some people are saying that those who agree to work for Trump don’t get paid at all.  That maybe they’ll get paid with golf rounds.

If Donald hires only the best people to work for him, and if his ‘Modeling Agency’ is all about the most beautiful models, some people are saying that it’s strange that his wife never worked for said modeling agency.

People at Trump’s rallies are saying that he’s wrong about the day of the week.  Trump still thinks he’s right.  Sad!

Some of the best, classiest people are saying that Donald is a tax cheat and that Chris Christie helped him steal from the people of New Jersey.

Trump says the New York Times cannot be trusted because it’s owned by a Mexican.

Some of the finest, brightest, most talented people are saying that Trump’s whole thing about becoming President of the United States and hating on Mexico has to do with the fact that Carlos Slim (an Arab Mexican!) has a tremendous fortune and that Donald is just jealous.

We hear people say all the time that Trump is crazy.  We also hear people saying all the time that Trump himself wrote the fake doctor’s letter and that it only goes to prove that he’s out of touch with non-imaginary-based facts.

Some people are saying that Donald’s temper makes Bruno Ganz’s performance in the film “Der Untergang” tame by comparison.  Some people are saying Donald will go ICBM when he learns about the First Amendment to the US Constitution as it relates to this website.  Paul Manafort?

People are saying that if you’re a Republican that can’t vote for Hillary, then you should write in Colin Powell’s name instead.

Some people are saying, the smartest people are all saying it, that Trump will lose the election come November.  Bigly.  Thousands of people are telling us all the time that Donald Trump is a loser, and losers always lose.

The satire will continue…